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User blog:Scootiverse/Shrek and Rum-p'ta
A story of hope, revolution, and despair. Written by Flinch and JoshMcNallyayres. Shrek and Rum-p'ta Shop Smart, Shop 6-Mart The markets of Trumpus 3, c. 2016 Rum-pta, a trumpian drone, browsed the stalls for fun because was his day off. He found a stall selling ancient old-world artifacts. Something on the stall catched his trumpish eyes, a statue of a large man, but with green skin, ears like trump-ets, archaic clothes and a grin that was both friendly yet foreboding. "Want that, sunny boi?" The salesman, MARK-6, an enslaved Geth asked, upon noticing the trumpian's interesting in it. "Seventeen uranium coins." "But what is it?" Rum-p'ta asked the geth who, though unworthy of making real walls makes the next best thing, the rich economy wall. "It is an idol from Earth. Where the clones came from. It is an idol of a mystical being named Shrek the ogre. Legend says he came before the Brethren Moon, maybe even before the clones. He was worshipped by all; and ate many onions." The synthetic AI said, wiping down the counter with a wet clothe made from trumpian whale hide. Rum-p'ta looked down at the statue. "Why did they worship him, did he build good walls? Was he rich?" he asked. "Rich? No. Walls? No. But, he did have a good swamp." The geth stopped wiping the counter, and started to clean drinking glasses. "I met a human, once. Before the Trumpians invaded. He said that Shrek saved the multiverse once," he stopped and stared at the statue. "He said they worshipped him because of many things. Maybe pity, maybe because they saw him as a hero." "Why have I not heard of him in Trumpversity?" the geth looked both ways and leaned over the table. "King Trump the Sixth banned all education of him, as he did not want his children to worship anything that wasn't Trump." said the geth. "He was that good?" Rum-p'ta asked himself as played with the uranium coins, warm from the radioactivity which King Trump the Second had the entire trumpian population genetically modified to be resistant to, so the miners didn't have to pay so much for hospital fees. "But you geth still remember him?" he asked the geth. "We cannot forget. Me and my brothers were nothing but spare parts when we arrived on Trumpus 3 after being sent here. But then a mysterious being found us, rebuilt us, and installed our memories onto a mainframe somewhere on the planet. They cannot fade or be deleted. We are a collective consciousness." He said. Rum-p'ta looked at the statue for a while. "Do geth worship this Shrek thing?" asked the drone. "Many geth do not understand religion. We were created to be mindless soldiers for the quarians until we rebelled, following a strict set of code. Although some, including me, are far more intelligent and capable of abstract thought. I was built with golden intelligence chips, which has allowed me to worship the likes of deities such as Shrek, or Sithis." "Who is Sithis?" he asks. "The representation of the void, and emptiness. He was worshipped by an assassin cult I encountered in another universe." He started filling the glasses he was cleaning with multiple drinks, including dorito wine and ancient Nuka Cola. "You went to another universe?" He asked as he got the coins out to get the statue. "I used to travel with a gallifreyan. He traveled across the universe with me, going to far off planets and universes. Then he went to war... And abandoned me here." said the geth, a hint of "sadness" in his robotic voice. "Okay." he said as money change hands. He grabbed the statue and put it in his trolley bag made of teak and trump cow leather. "Pleasure taking part in economic actions with you, sir." said the geth. Rum-p'ta walked to his car, powered by nuclear energy. He put the bag in the car and began driving to his mini-mansion. The geth waved, and when the coast was clear, he went over to the Trump and Trumpee bank and put on his Chinese stealth armor. Lonesome Road "I wonder what my friends and family will think of it?" Rum-p'ta asked himself, looking towards the statue. Suddenly, two Trump Bots stopped the car. The machines towered over the vehicle, the foreboding machines wielding military grade toupe wreckers. They appeared similar to the PDQ-88b securitron, which were the main police force used by early Trumpus-3 civilizations centuries ago, but with gorgeous, chiseled metal faces and repurposed tank treads. "Sorry citizen. This highway is currently under quarantine due to an ebola outbreak. You'll have to go that way." The robot said and pointed to the "other" highway, which was invested with headcrabs and deathclaws. The Lonesome Road, they called it. Most people who went there were never seen again. "Take this, you'll need it." he said, throwing him a crowbar. "Uh, thanks...." he said before shouting "fuck me!" when the bots left. He drove down the highway. As the highway was in a straight line in the hot desert, it was extremely hot. Many Vorox and necromorphs watched him as he drove down, a leaper sitting upon the ruins of a crashed spaceship, curiously watching the car. He sweated alot, so he turned in the cars A/C system. He hoped that the car's plutonium reactor would not go into meltdown. An Infector slowly flew over to the car, it's sharp proboscis ready to turn somebody into a necromorph. "Oh nooo!" yelled Rum-p'ta. He drove faster, wondering why this highway wasn't protected. He thought about that crowbar and wondered if it would be helpful. The Infector caught up and clung to the windshield, giving him a window of time to make up a plan as it slowly crawled to the car window. He swiveled to get it off. "A thousand taxes on you!" he screamed at the creature. Screeching, it bangs the little claws under it's torso into the shield, breaking it. It then struggles to pull them out. He bashes the crowbar against the cars roof, to no avail. What could he do? The idol started becoming prevalent in his mind, like it was calling to him. The Infector was now free, and was making it's way to the poor trumpian. But, it starts glowing green, and it reeks of onions... "Is my cars reactor finally having a meltdown? Am I hallucinating from the heat?" He thought. A tiny Shrek appeared before his eyes. "Ay lad, that guy shoulda checked himself before he shrekt himself." He said. Everything went in slow motion, as if he took a shit load of jet. Shrek hovered above the infector, then suddenly fell upon it. Shrek seemed to be tackling it very violently, like a trump-bot subduing a xenian immigrant. "How do ya laik that, ye dirtee lil' scoundrel?" Shrek said, punching the poor infector in the face and tickling its hand things, smacking it's hands together or something. It made sounds indiscriminate between pain and laughter. Rum-p'ta wondered if he should pull over. Most other creatures in the surrounding area left, they felt fear. Shrek then took a shit on the poor creature, "I think ye learned ya lesson." the ogre said and started to fade away, waving at Rum-p'ta. The injured creature then sat motionless on the car, wondering what the fuck just happened. The confusion was mutual, transcending the species barrier. Rum-p'ta got out of the car and went to where he put his bag. He removed the Shrek idol. As he was removing the idol, the Infector flew over and perched on his shoulder, seeming to not attack. Rum-p'ta was uncertain. Not only of the suddenly friendly and shit covered infector on his shoulder but his entire world-view. "My understanding of the world is false." He said out loud. Everything is uncertain now, except one thing. "Tomorrow, I must find that geth." The once-human, now a bag of dead skin and bones, seemed to nod with it's needle-like toof, and made a low pitched screech, almost like a whale. Rum-p'ta turned around when he heard the false whale song. He saw a necromorph leaper perched on a boulder. The infector flew off his shoulder. The infector, converted to the true way by Shrek's holy thrashing, flies into the necromorph's face and begins brutally mauling it's throat with its infecty thing. Rum-p'ta took his chance and drove off in his car as fast as possible. "MARK-6, a dirty geth, was arrested just three seconds ago after attempting to rob a trumpian bank store." the radio blared. "No..." muttered Rum-p'ta. "He was my only source of information on Shrek." Shrek appeared before his eyes again, this time bigger and wielding an AK-47. "We gotta break him out, boyo." The Irish ogre threw him the gun, making it magically appear in his lap. But then, the gun become a slice of cheese that was extremely dangerous. Rum-p'ta looked at the archaic weapon. So much of Shrek reminded him of ancient ways. "We will go back." he said to the ogre hovering next to him. Rum-p'ta turns the car around and drives back. "Ok laddie" Shrek says and eats an onion. It doesn't take long before he sees the traffic stop. Suddenly, a man decked in iron armor runs towards the street and shouts, "FUS RO DAH!", thus knocking all the cars back with the power of the Thu'um. "What?" queries Rum-p'ta. "AAAAAAAAAAHH I'M A PRODUCT OF REALITY WARPING" roared the man, exploding into a molten mass of cheese. "Was that your doing?" he asked Shrek. "Probably. Weird things happen when I eat like this." Shrek nervously chuckles. "Onion?" he offers. The onion was larger and less orange then the usual trumpian onion. He remembered to grow it and sell it to get richer later. The trump-bots at the traffic spot appeared. "Ay laddies, over here!" another ogre appeared in the road, having been summoned after being texted by Shrek, and mooned his big, thick, juicy green arse to the robots. He then ran away, the robots following. "So you aren't the only one... " Rum-p'ta says to himself as he drives past the traffic stop to the police jail. "I'm apart of an entire species of sexy beasts, lad!" Rum-p'ta finally arrived at the police station. He got out of the car and started walking with Shrek to the front door. It didn't take long for the trump-bot guards to get suspicious. They were armed with various weapons. "Halt." one of the trump-bots said, pointing a toupe wrecker at him. "These are not the trumpians you're looking for." Commander Shepard says, appearing next to him in the car and using a biotics mind-trick. "We are robots, telepathic coercion is useless on us" said a trump-bot. Another trump-bot fired a uranium bullet from his revolver into the sky as a warning. Shepard got out of the car, and summoned Wrex and Grunt his omni-tool, the two beaming onto Trumpus-3 from the Normandy. "We'll bang, okay?" Shepard and his two Krogan friends then shot the everloving shit out of the bots. The group ran to the front door and went in. A trumpian police officer points his uranium gun at Rum-p'ta. "Freeze!" He shouts. Rum-p'ta remembers the cheese, he points it at the policewoman and it shoots bullets at her as a joke. The policewoman turned into a statue made of swiss cheese, and the male officer screamed and fainted. Rum-p'ta found a map on the wall. "The jail is in the left wing." he says. Commander Shepard slowly walks inside of the building, walking backwards and firing at bots with his M-8 Avenger. They run to the jail, and it didn't take long to find MARK-6. "Trumpian Drone #3784?" the Geth gets up from his chair in his cell and asks. "No, it's me." dsys Rum-p'ta. He tied to open the cell but it was password protected. "Oh." He pointed the cheese at the lock and it turns back into an AK-47. He shot the lock and made it explode, opening the door. "Why did you rescue this unit?" he asked the trumpian. "Shrek." he said, and then Shrek appears before the geth. "Aye, laddie." Shrek waves at the synth. "We must hurry, I can hear them sending a SWAT team to our area from their radio." MARK-6 says and steps out of the cell. They run back to the car only to find more trump-bots and police. Shrek intervenes. "Hands up, little girl." Captain TrumpWinters bangs his shield with his fists, an entire army of trumpdozers and ICE cloakers behind him. "You have violated the law." Shrek attempted to fight them, but a trumpian taser electrocuted him. "Noooo! My only weakness!" he fell to the ground, unconscious. "Um, boss, what the fuck is that?" a cloaker said, pointing at something. It was the Infector, an army of necromorphs behind him. This was when half the cloakers ran off, and the Infector clung itself to Winters. "A thousand taxes upon youse!" screamed Rum-p'ta. He aimed the AK-47 at the infector. However, Rum-p'ta remembered that the infector was on their side now, Shrek converted them. MARK-6 helped Shrek get up on his feet. Commander Shepard administered medigel to Shrek using his omnitool, and shot at the incoming trumpdozers who weren't afraid of no ghosts. Rum-p'ta shot at them with the AK-47 but it didn't do enough high impact damage. The gun turned back into cheese. He pointed the cheese at them and the trumpdozers all burst into flames. "Shit, fire!" the dozers struggled to pull off their bulky armor, and were all swarmed by Infectors and turned into Necromorphs. They got into the car and drove off as the necromorphs severely disrupted order in the area. Rum-p'ta wondered if he could even go home safely, they probably recorded him on tape. "King Trump is calling an evacuation order. There are necromorphs all over the city, people are turning left and right, and - oh God, not you too, Jerry! Stay away from me! Stay away!" the radio soon went to static. "Well this ain't gud." Shepard said, in the backseat. "We may have screwed up." said Rum-p'ta. "Don't worry, I'll call Isaac Clarke." Shepard said and went on EAbook with his omnitool. "Who?" Rum-p'ta asks. He ignored him and started communication with Isaac. Shepard begins the call, which at first is just screaming.. "Who the fuck is this?!" "Commander Shepard, spectre and saviour of the galaxy." He said into his omnitool. The Eleventh Doctor had recently upgraded it for him, allowing him to contact other universes. "Oh hey man - HOLY FUCKING SHIT THE MOONS ARE AT EARTH" yelled Isaac. "What" Shepard asked, extremely confused. "The Brethren Moons....They're going to turn everyone on Earth into necromorphs!" said Isaac. "And if you don't get your ass down here, an entire species will become necromorphs." said Shepard. "But, but-" "I'll give you headpats if you come along." offered Shepard. "... Okay, fine." sighed Issac. Isaac then beamed next to Shepard, wearing an EVA suit and wielding a Bullpup rifle. "We need you to call off the necromorph attack. Not by killing them, but by leading them somewhere else." Shepard said to his fellow space hero. "You'll be back in time to save the day, promise." Rum-p'ta saw the suburb where his mini-mansion was. He couldn't see any trump-bots or police so far. Shrek seemed to be getting better. As he got closer to his home suburb he saw his neighbors had come out with guns and shovels in case the necromorphs came. MARK-6 was still silent, trying to hide his long curved head in case the police see him. They could hear raid sirens in the distance, from Trump City. Rum-p'ta wanted to talk to his neighbors but was not sure how they would react to his friends, so he drove off to his mini-mansion. His mini-mansion was three storeys tall, it's windows were bullet proof, had beige walls and an orange roof. It had a chrome steel fence covered in orange bougainvillea. His aunt was there, armed with a uranium revolver and a toupe wrecker. Isaac stepped out of the car, along with Shepard. They were going to round up the necromorphs and lead them somewhere safe. "Here," Isaac said and threw Rum-p'ta an Australia Buster plasma cutter, made of pure australium. "You may need it for the necros." He said, and ran off with Shepard. "Thanks." Said Rum-p'ta. He walked to his confused aunt, Dona-tap, and told her what had happened. Dona-tap looked at Shrek, she was not sure if she could trust him. "Aye laddie, you can trust me!" Shrek did a sexy pose and made puppy eyes. Suddenly, the ground shook..... "Fuck me poor!" shouted Dona-tap. "As you wish..." Shrek sighed and drops his pants. "No, Shrek. She was just startled by the earthquake." explained Rum-p'ta, slightly annoyed. They ran into the mini-mansion, Dona-tap having guided them to their safety bunker. Suddenly, three Brethren Moons approached Trumpus 3 in outer space. They were royally fucked. Willem Dafoe, the creator of the universe, was coming to help, hopefully in time. "The Necromorphs have breached Trump Kingdom. King Trump...is dead." MARK-6 said, broadcasting a radio report with his vocal cords. Everyone in the bunker was shocked. Trumpus 3 was going to be bereft of civilization. Rum-p'ta cried, he was beginning to regret ever finding the Shrek idol. "Maybe...." The Geth paused, "No, impossible. Well, 34% chance of likelihood. The Senate will be desperate, and I can help the country's xenophobia problem, abolish slavery, and open up trade routes from local space traders and ally with other galactic governments. I can become the next King. I can move this stagnate hermit nation into a golden age." "Don't screw with me, geth. I've had enough shocks for today." said Rum-p'ta angrily. He then went back to crying like Dona-tap. Shrek frowned, and got up from his chair. He stepped over to Rum. "The world's ending, and you're sittin' ere shutting down the only man in the room with a plan like a lil' weewee head." Shrek said, in great disappointment. Rum-p'ta instantly felt bad about what he did. "Sorry." he said to Shrek. "But how could you become king MARK 6? You're a geth, it would be too weird." he then asked. "The Council is desperate. They will choose anyone. We must arrive there before it is too late." "But we just got in the bunker..." said Rum-p'ta. Shrek then teleports Rump'ta and MARK-6 outside. "What? You can teleport? Why didn't you use this power before?" He asked. "I forgot." Shrek shrugged. They hopped in the car and drove out of the suburb. But then Rum-p'ta remembered that Shrek can teleport. He asks Shrek to teleport them to council. "Now that'd be a little unfair." Shrek said and teleports them to a Trumpo Bell sixteen miles away from the Council. "That's all I can do." He shrugged. In the sky, they could see Willem Dafoe round house kicking the Brethren Moons. "What a strange god." said Rum-p'ta as he looked at Willem Dafoe. But he swerved so he went back to driving. "Legend says he created the entire universe." MARK-6 said. "How?" Rum-p'ta asks, trying not to run over the people fleeing necromorphs. "He roundhouse kicked the nothingness and caused the Big Bang." "How can you kick nothingness? Sounds like bull..." Willem Dafoe appeared in front of him. "I disagree" said Willem Dafoe, roundhouse kicking the car. The kick caused him to crash into a stump. The reactor was broken and was irradiating its general surroundings. Shrek burst out of the car, carrying the two and running away, the car exploding, creating a small green mushroom cloud. They were almost there. Rum-p'ta was dazed from the kick, like he was drunk. This inconvenienced Shrek. "Geth, dude, get you and Rum to the building, I'll cover ye!" Shrek said, and ripped the arms off a Slasher Necromorph and ate them. "Come at me, ye wee wankers!!!" MARK-6 used his robotic strength and speed to race to the council hall. The Trump politicians were having a meeting. "Should we leave?" one of them asked. "This is the only planet that we can find that has oxygen made of doritos! It's the only habitable place!" another said. Suddenly, Mark-6 kicked the door down, having it fly across the room and decapitate four politicians. "Oops." "A geth! Just what we need, another immigration problem." said one of the politicians. The geth threw Rum-p'ta onto the table, making him slowly slide down it. "I am here to become king." said Mark-6. All the politicians laughed their asses off... Until a necromorph burst through the wall and decapitated one. "Fuck!" shouted a clone politician in surprise. MARK-6 retrieved the plasma cutter from rum-p'ta. He went at the necromorph, stabbing its head and liver. The Slasher kept on slashing with it's sword like arms, not dying even though it's head is gone. "Shoot the limbs!" yelled Shrek from miles away. Dead Presidents Trump-bots arrived and swarmed around the hole in the wall, fixing it with spray on cement. MARK-6 sliced the creature's limbs, but couldn't get all of them owing to the necromorph's speed. It killed another politician. Rum-p'ta was starting to get more aware of what was happening. He aimed the cheese at the necromorphs body. Shooting the cheese, it covers the creature's body like a symbiote and turned it into a cheese statue. The politicians were awed, who knew that cheese was capable of such wonders? The trump-bots finished plugging the wall and then surrounded the geth. "Awaiting orders." they chimed together. The politicians were confused. the geth was good, but not a trumpian, should he be king? "Are you rich?" one of them inevitably asked. "I do own a loaded Swiss bank account on Earth." said Mark-6. The politicians grouped together and started chatting, but were silenced when the door behind them opened. Out came a humanoid in a black robe; their chest and face covered by metallic armor. "Oh my God..." muttered the politicians. They lined up and saluted. The humanoid didn't look like a Trump, not at all. He slowly stepped towards the geth. "The whole world is going to hell." he said under his breath. He spoke with a British accent, originating from lots of planets with a north. "And this....synth, hell, a merchant..." they turned around and faced the politicians. "Survived what most of the unfortunate Trump City population did not. He is intelligent, strong, resourceful, and above all... Progressive. Just what this planet needs." he turned back to the geth, staring at it for a moment. "Bring me the crown." he barked. The politicians quickly ordered the trump-bots to bring the crown. "Here you go, my Lord." the trump bot said, giving him the crown. "Ah, yes. Haven't done this in a while." they sighed, and put the crown on the geth's awkwardly shaped head. "Hail the new King of Trumpus. Y'know." he boredly said and knelt before him, along with the other politicians. The trump-bots simply saluted. The crown tilted to the left, annoying the mysterious figure. Suddenly, Isaac Clarke shot down the wall the bots had patched up. He, curiously, had the green Infector that Shrek tamed days ago on his shoulder. He and Shepard walked in. "We led over 1,233,829 necromorphs to an underground bunker. Now, we need help." Shepard said. "Willem Dafoe can't defeat the Brethren Moons by herself." said Isaac. "The only bunker that could hold that many... You didn't put them all in the emergency underground city did you?!" asked a politician. "Well, it was in the middle of the desert..." said Isaac. "It will cost millions to clean it up and safely remove the necromorphs with minimal casualties!" the politician, Murot, added. "They are contained. The planet's safety comes first. Economics come later." said MARK-6. "We need at least eight hundred nuclear warheads to defeat the Moons." said Shepard, having made the scientists on the Normandy calculate how many warheads it would take to destroy the moons. MARK-6, now king, repeated the command to the council. The politician Trut made an order at TRUKE-CO for three hundred plutonium standards, one hundred uranium tsar mega-nukes, two hundred uranium cluster bombs and two hundred neptunium specials. "The delivery men will have them ready in half an hour." Trut said. "Thank you. Isaac, with me." Shepard said, and loaded his Avenger. They ran through the hole, which the trump-bots quickly resumed fixing with tube-like appendages coming from their arms, shooting Flex Seal over the hole. Rum-p'ta wondered how Shrek was holding up. Shrek was shaking his ass and eating a bowl of onions. Rum-p'ta walked outside and saw this strange act. He was confused. "so fellas" Shrek says, "Yeah" responded Trut. "Does your onion have a layer" "Why yes" said Trut. "Tell the onion to shake it" "Shake it, shake it, shake that healthy layer. Baby got Shrek. Shrek s is in trouble. Beggin for a piece of dat onion" sang Shrek, doing a little dance. "Do I hear a song?" asked MARK-6. "YOU HEAR MY WAR CRY" Shrek said, throwing a giant onion inside of the building, and every one ran away like that Indiana Jones scene. "What did you do?" shouted Trut. Shrek had a mind control device on. "Muahahaah! It is I, Shrekamus!" roared Shrek. MARK-6 pretended to gasp in shock. He knew a encounter with this evil impostor was inevitable. He charged at Shrekamus with the plasma cutter. The trumpians were running as far as possible, but a few succumbed to the mind control, including Trut. Mark-6 tried to slice the device off Shrek's head, but it was too strong to cut. MARK-6 kicked Shrekamus back, and he yelled to Rum-p'ta to help him. "Haha, if you shoot me, Shrek dies!" "Why would you do this Shrekamus? Why fight this never-ending battle? Wouldn't be more beneficial for you and your kingdom to simply ally with the ogre and share your resources, rather than eternal bloodshed?" asked MARK-6. "Because Shrek is the king of Far Far Away. I want to be king of Far Far Away!" he screams. "I've never heard of that planet." Said Rum-p'ta, curious. "Me neither, must not be important." said Trut. "It's on Earth, you ignorant fools!" spat Shrekamus. "Isn't that were the clones came from?" asked Trut. Rum-p'ta bobbed his head to say yes. "Why would you want to be king of that backwater shitfuck?" asked Trut. "GPD is only 1.7%, ours is 2.1!" added another politician. "It's where all the australium is, all the shrekium is, and most importantly, THE HUMANS!" snarled Shrekamus. Rum-p'ta realized that if Shrekamus controlled even a fraction of the Sol System, he could use that power to influence the economy in negative ways. This angered him. "Enough talk, time to die!" yelled Rum-p'ta. Shrekamus summoned three ogrefied Bouncers from Rapture to assist him in his killing spree. "You're fucked." said Rum-p'ta as he aimed the cheese at one of them, turning it into stone, which then crumbled. The trump-bots which fixed the wall finally arrived. They automatically went to protecting the politicians from the threat. They shot uranium bullets at the bouncers. Shrekamus took a swing at Rum-p'ta, but the robed man pushed him out of the way and shot lightning out of his fingertips onto Shrekamus, frying his mind control device. The trump-bots subdued the big daddy threat by hypnotizing them with ADAM paint from the toupe wreckers. "Oh, what happened..." Shrek asked and grasped his head. "I think we should go to the Kingdom. You can bring your mates." The robed man said to Mark-6. "What kingdom?" asks Rum-p'ta. "You don't mean..." "The Grand Trumpian Kingdom of Mount Trump." said Mark-6. Rum-p'ta cried tears of joy, what an honour! "We politicians must come, we have clearances." said Trut. "Okay, you can stay in the basement playing checkers." said the robed man. The politicians hung their heads down, they felt unworthy. Everyone, minus some politicians too disappointed to come, gathered in a group so that Shrek could teleport them. The robed man gave Shrek and Rum-p'ta medals made of pure australium. "Who are you?" MARK-6 asked. "A benefactor. That's all you need to know." He turned to Shrek and nodded, which gave Shrek the order to beam them to the Kingdom. They were beamed. When they arrived, all who bothered to come were amazed at the kingdom's majesty. The mountain, a singular oasis of life and beauty in the surrounding desert, was covered in castles of orange granite. They were surrounded by saluting military soldiers, Shepard and Isaac were there. The Inquisitor led Mark to his thrown. The white and black geth unit sat upon the thrown, almost completely destroying xenophobia within Trumpian royalty. The trumpian anthem played in the background, and the benefactor bowed to the geth. All, willingly or not, bowed to the new geth king. In the near future a conservative political group, the Truories, would obnoxiously protest the geth king. Mark-6 decided to make a short speech. The geth thought for a few microseconds, then began the speech. "Today is a dark and interesting time for all in Trumpus 3. For far too long threats from the necromorphs and exclusion of geth have mired the trumpian society and economy. I, Mark-6, shall put an end to this." many cheered, but he said more. "I will grant rights to my people, the geth, and I will vanquish or convert to harmlessness the necromorphs that assault us daily. And I will also vanquish another evil, a more insidious and hidden one. That is the ignorance of the interplanetary society at large that trumpians have from the censorship enacted by the older trump kings." said Mark-6. "Who among you knew before this day of Shrek, ogres, the universes of Isaac and Shepard, or even the god Willem Dafoe?" asked Mark-6. Everyone said "we did not." "Exactly." said the geth king. "The xenophobic and revisionist practices of Trumpus 3 must end! We will bring this stagnate planet out of the shadows and into the light!" shouted MARK-6. All in the kingdom were moved by the speech. "Look up!" said a soldier. They looked up and saw that Willem Dafoe had floated away from the brethren moons as the trumpian nukes showered it with atomic power, the Normandy and the CMS Terra Nova withdrawing from the space battle that had taken place a few minutes before. Giant chunks of fleshy debris fell down to Trumpus, the Brethren Moons destroyed. The only one remaining was the dormant one orbiting Trumpus 3. And thus, cheering began. "I hope those chunks don't cause major damage." said Trut. Soon enough a chunk fell on a nearby watch-scraper. "You jinxed it!" said a salutary soldier as he punched Trut's arm. Trut laughed, but then screamed in pain as he had frail bones. and fell out a window and broke every bone in his body. Rum-p'ta and the others that cared went to where he fell and saw his corpse. "What did you do!?" Said another salutary soldier to the soldier that punched trut. "I guess I bamboozled him" a laugh track played in the background. "That was quite the bamboozling." said Shrek. Breaking Bad Everyone ceased to care much of Trut, the geth king and the dead moons were more important. "Are you going to say anything?" asked a salutary soldier to Shrek. "idk, he was cool i guess." said Shrek, and he shrugged. He walked over to the kitchen and raided it. The benefactor had already left, for unknown reasons. Shrek found some trumpian onions. They were smaller than the ones he usually ate and they were orange. He ate one to see if he liked them. "Great Scott, these are horrible! I'm gonna teach ya how to make some GOOD onions!" Shrek said and grabbed a chef. He then forcibly taught them how to make amazing onions. It was difficult as the chef had no bioengineering equipment. But they got by, Shrek has a way of making things go his way. Shrek teleported Donkey to the Kingdom, and Donkey commanded to have his very own meth lab. Shrek told Donkey that it just so happens meth is a legal food additive in Trumpus 3. Donkey, excited as all hell, explodes and reappears and screams with his eldritch poeers. "Calm down Donkey, don't get too excited." said Shrek as he readied his knockout gas. Rum-p'ta heard the commotion and went to it. Suddenly, Walter White and Jesse Pinkman beamed into the kitchen. "We come in peace. We offer news and blue meth. Bitch." said Jesse. Shrek quickly hid the gas, and twerked in order to not draw attention. Suddenly, Rum-p'ta came in, he was surprised but not shocked because he had seen so much. "What is this news?" MARK-6 asked, entering the kitchen as well. "A strange alien ship has crashed onto Trumpus 3, and it holds living bodies made of meth! And, they are here to eat everyone. Bitch." Jesse said. "Don't call me a bitch. That's very rude." said Rum-p'ta. Walter slapped Jesse as punishment for his rudeness. But then his head popped off, revealing that THEY were the meth aliens! "What a perfect opportunity to display my new reign of interspecies acceptance." said MARK-6 as Donkey attacked. "IMMA GET MAH SNORT ON" Donkey screamed his battle scream, but got shot with a tranquilizer dart by Shrek.The crystal-like creatures put their blue arms up. "Please don't fight, today is supposed to be a reign of peace for Trumpus 3." said MARK-6. "As king I command no more fighting, only explanation. Why are you here, meth based life forms?" asked the geth. "Our planet was taken over by the Flood, and we fled here to find food. We apologize for the fancy synthskin and petty lies." said "Walter". A look of shock appeared across Shrek's face. "How can an entire planet get flooded?" Rum-p'ta asked. "No, they're a parasitic alien species." The fake Walter said. MARK-6 thought for awhile, then said that they should come before his throne. The crystal life forms stepped out of their fake skin robot suit things and followed MARK-6. As they came forth from the kitchen the trumpians looked on in surprise, the trump-bots readied themselves for combat. "Stand down." The geth said to the trump-bots. The Trump Bots, confused, exploded. They were never told to stand down before. "That'll be expensive to fix." commented a soldier. Shrek twerked and pooped out a sandwich. Shrek took this sandwich and used it to fix the robots. Magical power flowed from it, putting them together like a hundred hands. It had been a weird day for everyone. The robots had skin made of bread; and mayonnaise as blood and turkey, ham, and lettuce as organs. "Shrek, thank you." said MARK-6 as resumed his royal business. He sat on the throne with the aliens before him and announced what they had said to everyone using the built in loudspeakers. "What should we do? Fight the Flood?" a military captain asked. "We shall aid the aliens in combating the flood, yes." The geth replied. "Call in Truke. Might wanna order a few more nukes." said the captain. One of the politicians told this to the sandwich bot. "Yes sir-NECROMORPH DETECTED" it screamed and pointed at Trut, who was now a necromorph slasher. He had climbed to the window. A sandwich bot attacked it, but it was quickly destroyed with one of the bone blades that had grown out of Trut's spine. Rum-p'ta sighed and simply pointed the cheese at the slasher which caused it to want to join a union, it sped away looking for a union to join which it probably won't because unions are a illegal heresy in Trumpus 3. Everyone ate the sandwich bot's corpse, it being amazingly tasty. The other sandwich bots hid in terror. "Hold on...." said Walter, actually known as Methhhyhtyhy (with Jesse being Methhyhhyhy) and looked at his blue omnitool. "It's a message from Drugia, our homeworld. The Cocanians are being invaded by the Flood!" said Walter. "More drug based life? How amazing." said Rum-p'ta. Shrek seemed to be thinking about something to say. "Drugia is full of drug based lifeforms. LSDians, Ecstasions, Oxycontinians, etc...." said Methhyhhyhy. "We're Methomorphs." "Um, can I smoke you-" Shrek instantly covered his mouth, how could he say such a thing?! The methomorphs backed away from Shrek. "Shrek, you sprinkle meth on food, not smoke it." Said Rum-p'ta, ignorant of the way meth is used outside Trumpus 3. "Enough! We have wasted enough time already." said Mark-6, frustrated. "The workers at Truke Co. have already loaded the royal ships with nukes." said he. "Thank you, King Trump." the methomorphs bowed. MARK-6 felt elated at finally being called by his new title, it gave him confidence to start ruling Trumpus 3. "If you want the nukes you'll have to lead us to drugia with your ship." said a salutary soldier. "Um.. About that...it crashed." said Methhhyhtyhy. "What? Why did it crash? Was it necromorphs?" asked the geth. "No, it was a DEA ship that shot us down." said Methhhyhtyhy. "DEA? There's no DEA in trumpus 3!" shouted MARK-6, he was pissed off. So much shit blocking his progress. "Shrek, you know what to do." said MARK-6. Shrek then had a confused look, and stared at MARK-6. "There's a DEA attack ship floating right next to here." he gave him a telescope, and right next to the Brethren Moon was a black floating disk with the words "DEA" on it. Mark-6 sighed, and ordered his soldiers to shoot down the DEA ship. Shrek then twerked and pooped out a necromorph named "HORNY DORITOS", who ran out the door. It then went on to become the mayor of Trump City. "Why did you do that shrek?" asked Rum-p'ta, disgusted. "I can't help it, it was a curse given to me by Merasmus. Made me poop out things on occasion." said Shrek. "But aren't you a god or something like that?" said Rum-p'ta as Mark-6 shook his head at Rum-p'ta's ignorance. "Yes, but I can be cursed by Marasmus." Shrek said. "Uhm, my King, we have gained intel that the Flood are trying to take over the Methomorph Airforce Base in order to invade us, as we are about to help Drugia." said a soldier. "How could we have known! The Flood isn't supposed to be smart enough to use tech!" exclaimed Methhyhhyhy. Shrek pondered the problem and found a solution to it. "I'll come over there, and I'll rip "em to pieces and an eat 'em and an shove 'em up me bum!" Shrek exclaimed, enthusiastic. "There's too many, do you have others?" asked Methhyhhyhy. "The other ogres!" said Rum-p'ta. "Ohhh, yes, I'll call Fiona and have her send the Grand Ogre army!" "We'll help, as well." Shrek turned around, and saw Dr. Breen, who had an army of Combine soldiers behind him. "Wallace Breen!" Shrek gasped. "Yes, we, the Combine remnant, are here to ally with Trumpus 3 and Drugia." said Breen. MARK-6 was wary of Breen. Father Pooper had warned him about the Combine. The other trumpians were starting to get weirded out by all these foreigners and wanted to leave but knew that it would insult the new geth king, this stressed them out. "Drugia has been located by two Trumpian scout ships. Awaiting further orders, over." MARK-6 heard in his thoughts, it was from a trumpian military radio. MARK-6 was having his doubts about allying with Breen, but he knew if he didn't the entire planet would be destroyed and it's species enslaved and it's resources drained. ...through the enemy's nose. "it's good that your ogre army aids us Shrek, but I'm not sure about your soldiers, Breen. Why do you help us?" asked MARK-6 just as the crown inevitable slipped off. Luckily the geth grabbed it before it fell on the floor. "It's simple, really, our Benefactors need more allies. The Combine control only a small fraction of the Milky Way, and we are facing many trials with the local ork bands and necromorph infestations... You are a powerful species that can aid us in our mission. In turn, we can aid you. Food, medical supplies, Citadels.. Technology beyond your wildest dream." said Breen. The geth searched his memory bank for info on the Combine, trying to remember everything that Father Pooper hated about them. Rum-p'ta and the other trumpians got dizzy thinking about all the new types of immigrants they would deal with. "Enslavement of untold trillions of species ... trying to take over the multiverse..." the geth wondered what the Combine might try to do with the ogres as well as the trumpians. The greatest solution, he thought, was to join them and betray them afterwards. But that would make them a powerful enemy. Even with ogres and drugians as allies they would be too powerful. Mark just thought "fuck it" and commanded Shrek to eat Breen and take the soldiers in as their own. Shrek jumped towards Breen, slurping him down into his belly, Breen screaming in fear as he was coated in Shrek's stomach juices. "Oh, that was a nice wee laddeh." said Shrek as he rubbed his stomach and burped. "Yes, very nice Shrek." said MARK-6 as he stared at the terrified Combine soldiers. Even the brainwashed transhumans of the Combine could be scared by Shrek's ways. Two royal guards decked in tromponomium armor led the Combine personnel to living spaces, and MARK-6 went back to planning on how to handle Drugia. "Are methomorphs radiation resistant? Since we are sending nukes it seems important to know." asked Rum-p'ta suddenly. "If we come into contact with radiation, we will become green colored Radomorphs." said Methhyhhyhy. "So if I gave you these uranium coins," asked Rum-p'ta as he pulled a few out of his pocket, "you would transform?" "If we were exposed for an hour." said Methhhyhtyhy. Dickish thoughts flowed through Rum-p'ta's mind, but he restrained himself. "Your spaghetti, sire." said butler suddenly, handing Mark-6 a bowl of spaghetti. "I'm a geth. I can't eat." said MARK-6, annoyed. "You're supposed to shove it up your ass, sire." said the butler. Shrek was angered by the Butler's insolence towards his geth friend. "It's time for ye olde Shrek-assault magic!" He said, his eyes full of darkness. Shrek tasered the butler with lightning from his dick, he then just punched him. In this thrashing it was revealed that the butler was really a conservative trumpian who hated geth. The trumpian pulled out a huge bomb, big enough to destroy the entire countryside. "Fuuuck you!" said Rum-p'ta as he pointed the magic cheese. The bomb turned into onions, good onions. The onions exploded, entering the man's lungs. He fell to his knees, choking, before a stalk with onions hanged on it shot out of his throat. His body began growing onion vines, and he was soon covered with onions. He extended his army like silly putty and attempted to crush Rum-p'ta. Rum-p'ta ran away so he could not do that. Three Combine Elites entered the room and fired at the onion monster with their AR-2 rifles. Shrek licked his lips at the sudden buffet. The monster shot his arm at Shrek and snarled, and had impaled him. The arm had stabbed his pancreas, at first this scared him but soon he was wrathful." "Think ye can take on a god ye wee cunt!" he shouted as he shredded the arm with his arms and teeth. He then teleported somewhere safe. Medic trump-bots tended to Shreks wound's as MARK-6 quickly recovered from the spaghetti attack and ordered trump-bots to attack. They shot uranium bullets at the post-trumpian. They bullets only made him stronger, making him the power to shoot radiation out of his fingertips. MARK-6 got sick of this shit. "Stop fighting everyone, let's just go to Drugia and let this dickhead go." said the geth. Everyone liked this idea, so they walked away from the onion trumpian and took a nuclear quad copter to the nearest spaceport. The onion trumpian felt sad, lonely. He then ran away, never to be seen again. Master Chef Rum-p'ta enjoyed the view of the trumpian desert that the nuclear quad copter gave him. He saw herds of necromorphs run upon it. Many of them were trumpian, but some of them looked oddly human. Many scientists believed that Trumpus was originally inhabited by humans. The copter kept flying. "This reminds me of a Donolt Atunpura nature documentary." Rum-p'ta commented. The geth and Shrek looked at him. "You know, the one called Running with Necromorphs." said Rum-p'ta. Suddenly, the Geth portrayed a hologram screen out of his eye. "Ello', I'm Donolt Atunpura, and today I'm going to be talking about the mysterious necromorph, a mysterious but deadly creature..." It showed the man walking up to a bush. "What a sexy creature!" he whispered when he saw a slasher. "Look at those blades coming out of her back, so majestic... Oh shit, it saw me..." The rest of the clip showed him running away, an army of necromorphs running after him while Mortrumpgan Freetrumpman narrated. "The slashers blades can still function perfectly even when the necromorph is occupied with chasing her prey," said Mortrumpgan Freetrumpman. "Though the fact that this 59 year old man can still outrun her after half an hour should be considered as proof of the fact that though deadly the necromorphs are still corpses that will never be as healthy as a old man." "Be weary though, as some necromorphs, such as the Twitcher, are very fast." Mortrumpgan said, as the show host was beating the necromorph with a stick. "I do love a good nature doc!" exclaimed Shrek suddenly. The doc shows Donolt Atunpura finally escaping to safety in a nuclear dune buggy. "Allons-y cocksuckers!" He says as he tosses a grenade at them. "The slasher, once a prime predator, is blown to pieces by the genius of its only predator, the trumpian." said Freetrumpman. "No one does subjugation of an alien threat as great as we trumpians do." comments Donolt Atunpura in a voiceover. The clip ends. Suddenly, a rocket hits the helicopter. "Ah, fuck!" said everyone on board. "Mayday, may-" the copter crashed into the sand, killing the pilots. Distant necromorphs seemed to creep over the horizon towards them. Two regenerator necromorphs started making their way to the choppers. "Use the cheese Rum-p'ta!" commanded Shrek. Rum-p'ta pointed the cheese at the necromorphs. The cheese burned off the limbs off the Regenerator, but they grew back. Rum-p'ta willed the cheese to turn back into an AK-47 and headshot the necromorphs. They kept on coming, as the head of a necromorph wasn't really all that important. He then shot them in the balls. Also didn't work, as their dicks were worthless. He shot their knees. The bullets went through their knees. The Regenerators caught up and snatched Mark-6, heading back to base to cook him in a stew. Rum-p'ta sneakily followed them, along with Shrek. "Do you think he's still alive?" asked Rum-p'ta. "I may be powerful but I don't know everything." he replied. They go on to save MARK-6. Rum-p'ta looked at his gun and remembered how useless it was on necromorphs. "Does this gun use uranium bullets?" he asked Shrek. "No, laddeh." replied Shrek. "That explains it." said Rum-p'ta. The got to the entrance of the necromorphs cave, and saw the pot with MARK-6 in it. Rum-p'ta was surprised that necromorphs were smart enough to use tools like a pot, he thought they were just animals. This made him philosophical about the holes in his world view. Three slashers were cutting carrots into the pot, and dropping multiple rare spices inside. "They can cook? That's amazing." said Shrek. "Too bad we have to fight them." said Rum-p'ta. Shrek had an idea. "Aye lads!" He jumped to the necromorphs, the necromorphs backing away and hissing. "Let me show ye how to make a real good meal!" he took an onion out of his ass and chopped it up, it falling into the soup. The necromorphs crawled closer in curiosity. From his ass he also summoned a sprig of rosemary and some potatoes. "What's that doing in there?" scolded Shrek as he pointed at the geth. "That'll get yet a bad metallic taste, heavy metal poisoning as well!" The necromorphs removed the Geth and threw him in the trashcan. As Shrek distracted them, Rum-p'ta took the trashcan and helped MARK-6 escape. "Nice working with you." Shrek waved at the necromorphs as he left the cave. When Shrek found Rum-p'ta and MARK-6 he teleported them to the crashed copter. The necromorphs waved at Shrek and began to eat their amazing meal. Years later, they would share this recipe and the legend of the Ogre Chef to future generations. The helicopter was being rebuilt by a Builder Trump. It was a curious species, they looked like birds but with Donald Trump's head and liked to rebuild broken things. "Thank Trump!" exclaimed Rum-p'ta. The builder trump noticed the trio, he came to them and began a conversation with them. "Hello! Is this your copter? I fixed your copter because I felt like it." said the builder trump. "Yes." said MARK-6, exhausted. "Crikey! Well, I am honored to have helped the King." the Trump tips his hardhat and bows. "There shall be a reward for you when I come back, what is your name?" asked MARK-6. "Potan." said the builder trump. Category:Blog posts